


should we start over?

by panlesters



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: A lot of Angst tho, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, because WHAT, but honestly i needed to address the baby incident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 08:31:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18869539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: Amy said something stupid when she was scared, but the argument was resolved and they bounced back like before. Right?





	should we start over?

**Author's Note:**

> wow that ep was very ooc lol. anyway have some angst it's been too long since i wrote jake angst and it shows

Amy can't even think straight enough to properly process the information given to her. Why did she never ask Jake if he wanted kids? She can't believe she was so stupid to assume he wanted the same things as her.   
  
She needs to stop. She can feel her hands begin to shake, her heart begin to race, her breathing getting heavier. The panic is taking over and she needs to find an out.   
  
This debate seemed like such a good idea at the time. Now she's humiliated herself in front of Holt, in front of Kevin, and worst of all, in front of Jake.   
  
Surely, he should've known Amy wanted children. It was in her life calendar, in big bold letters. She'd been willing to push things aside for him in the past, to put her dreams on hold so things could be right. But having children wasn't like taking an exam, there wouldn't be an open chance for the rest of her life. It was now, the near future, or never.   
  
It was fear that drove her to say it. Fear that things would fall apart, that she would lose out on one of the most important dreams of her life.   
  
"I don't want to have to start over in a few years."   
  
She's never seen Jake's face fall so fast. She's never seen _anyone's_ face fall so fast. Part of her wanted to take it back. The other part of her was deathly serious. This wasn't something she could compromise on.   


* * *

  
They always talk things out. They have excellent communication, Amy thinks, compared to other relationships she's been in. They're best friends again soon after. That's something Amy's always loved about her and Jake; they have a perfect ability to be able to bounce back after an argument and carry on as if nothing ever happened. She falls asleep tangled in Jake's arms that night, and Amy finds comfort in the secure knowledge that one day she will have children with this man.   
  
She wakes up around 3am and stretches an arm out to feel for Jake. She finds cold, empty sheets instead, and frowns. Normally, when Jake falls asleep, he's out like a light and nothing can wake him. She flicks on the lamp and glances over his side of the bed; his phone is gone too. Amy is quick out of bed.   


* * *

  
Jake knew he couldn't talk to Charles about this. He couldn't talk to anyone from work, it wasn't fair on Amy. So now he's sat on their sofa, curled in a ball, on the phone to his mum. He thinks he might be close to tears; this isn't a conversation he ever expected to have.   
  
He's tried his best to be quiet, he doesn't want Amy to find him in this state. He thought about taking a walk but Brooklyn at night isn't exactly safe and he's feeling far too vulnerable to defend himself should anything happen.   
  
"I'm just scared, mom," he murmured down the phone. "I thought this was it, you know? I thought I was finally right for someone." He heard a floorboard creak behind him and tensed. "Uh. I'd better go, mom. Thanks, though." He pauses. "Yeah, okay. Love you too. Bye mom."   
  
He doesn't want to turn around, he knows he'll see her there. He does, though. He needs to face this.   
  
"Hey, babe." He murmurs.   
  
"Hey," she replies, her voice gentle. "Couldn't sleep?"   
  
Jake shakes his head. He can feel the cold seeping into him, the shivering that signifies the anxiety he can't shake.   
  
"How... how much of that did you hear?" he whispers.   
  
"Not enough, clearly," Amy replies. "Why didn't you talk to me?"   
  
Jake opens his mouth, and closes it again. He looks at the floor, at his hands, at Amy's hands. He's still not ready to face it.  
  
"Ames," he starts. He stops. He's thinking how to phrase this without hurting her, but he needs to stop that. She hurt him, and she needs to know. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and starts again.   
  
"Ames, you really scared me." Amy moves to sit next to him on the sofa, making sure she's not touching him, but close enough that he can establish contact should he wish to. "You just. I." He stops again. He needs to take his time. "You've always been it for me, Ames. Even before I knew it. It was always you." He looks in her eyes then. "And the fact that you considered... starting over? What does that even mean? What does that make me to you?" he takes a deep breath, looks at his hands again. "It made me realise that I was never it for you. You could swap me out for anyone. There could be someone else out there for you Ames. There's someone else who could make you happy like I make you happy. But they could make you other things too, and I don't even want to think about that but I can't _stop_ thinking about it and-" he has to stop. He can't breathe. He takes a big, gulping breath and feels a hand on his back. Amy begins to breathe in long, deep breaths, loudly and purposefully so Jake has something to match to. By the time he begins to breathe normally, he can feel his eyes welling up, he feels the sob that wracks his body, he feels himself collapse into her.   
  
Amy doesn't even know what to say. Her heart aches with the pain of how she made him feel, but she understands. She hates that she made that stupid comment. Her arms wrap around him and she holds him. She tries to convey the way she feels through her simple movements, a hand in his hair that says "I'm sorry", nails scratching his shoulder that say "I love you", a kiss to his head that says "I could never leave you." She knows what these gestures mean, but she knows that at times like these, Jake needs to hear it.   
  
"Jake, I didn't even realise how much I upset you," she began, her voice soft. "I said such a stupid thing. I couldn't start over with anyone else even if I wanted to. You don't realise how much you're it for me too, Jake. I was just so scared. I was scared that you're the one for me but you didn't want what I wanted. I've always, always wanted kids, and when you said you weren't sure, it was like my whole world just stopped. I love you more than anything and I could never leave you, but my mind didn't even know what to do with itself."   
  
She knows the words aren't quite enough right now. She will show him through the weeks, months, years, that she means it. But right now she's done what she can to bandage the wounds she created. She continues to hold him, and she continues to love him.   


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! comments make me happy, come scream about jake and amy with me @ panlesters on tumblr


End file.
